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The only time my heart ever beats fast is when I see you. Even though it hurts me terribly to see you, knowing that I’m no longer with you, I still want to run into you. Because seeing you is the only time when I actually feel something.
My problem is, I care too much. I don’t get angry enough. I think about the good and not the bad. I think about the memories I miss instead of the hell I’ve been through. I think about how much I love you and how you were when you were with me instead of how much I hate the way you act now. It just sucks, you know, because when you think like I do, getting your hopes up comes so easily. Which makes it that much easier to get disappointed.
The girl who seemed unbreakable, broke. The girl who always laughed, cried. The girl that never stopped trying, finally gave up. She dropped her fake smile as a tear rolled down her cheek, and she whispered to herself, ‘I can’t do this anymore.’
I miss you so much. All I want to do is call you and tell you that I’d do anything for you and that I love you, but I know I shouldn’t. I know how you are. I shouldn’t even want you after all you’ve done to me. I shouldn’t even care after you sit there and say that you care about me and miss me, then turn around and shut me out again over something stupid. But I want you to go back to how you were when we were together so fucking badly, that sometimes I even think it could happen…when deep down I know it never will.
You know that feeling? When you’re just waiting. Waiting to get home, into your room, close the door, fall into bed, and just let everything out that you kept in all day. That feeling of both relief and desperation. Nothing is wrong. But nothing is right either. And you’re tired. Tired of everything, tired of nothing. And you just want someone to be there and tell you it’s okay. But no one’s going to be there. And you know you have to be strong for yourself, because no one can fix you. But you’re tired of waiting. Tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else. Tired of being strong. And for once, you just want it to be easy. To be simple. To be helped. To be saved. But you know you won’t be. But you’re still hoping. And you’re still wishing. And you’re still staying strong and fighting, with tears in your eyes. You’re fighting.